enlightenment?

Hey, i was just hit with realisation.

a sudden realisation, i knew it all along but never really recognised it officially. now after thinking it through, i actually see sense in it.

he didnt leave because of the quarrel we had. he left cos he didnt want to commit. "couldnt breathe" isnt just all. it wasnt a matter of whether he felt constricted, cos i always offered him free time. no. he just didnt want this. at all.

he didnt want to commit. he just used that small problem as a way out, especially by blowing it up. yes it was his way out. and thats why after that he was so keen on leaving even though i begged for him back. cos he saw it as an opportunity. he was like so close to his goal.

and to excuse himself, he says i deserve better and he dont want to make me sad. but he's just saying that for the sake of saying something.

my proof that all he actually wants is his own life? he can live normally immediately after that. and i'll bet my bottom dollar that he was enjoying every bit of it. like going to church without me, and just walking alone at tm. and after less than 3 days he jumps back to his bad habits. which is what he really wanted in the first place. and why he isnt calling or regretting? cos none of it mattered to him in the first place. he didnt want this remember? he was just waiting to fly. fly away.

he stayed because i helped him. through his problems. the only one who did. now that there's no probs, he doesnt see the need to stay. he feels burdened by the relationship and doesnt want to even commit. at all. and now that he's finally gone. i know he's happy. i can feel it.

while i'm here. alone. in problems he wont help me with. he can feel it too. but he's ignoring it.

sad

woke up today with a sad longing feeling. i hate waking up like this but it always happens. i miss those times! i wish he wasnt only playing with my heart! i wish it was all true! why did he have to let me live a lie then take it away?? i really want to call!! i want to ask for those times back!! but i know it'll be different. after all he's done to hurt me like as though nothing. i just wish none of this happened.

and if it had to be a lie, i wish i didnt start the relationship. then i wouldnt have to fall so hard. a part of me was always thinking, this is too good to be true. but he told me to trust him. which i did wholeheartedly! omgg and now its just gone like that! i should have listened to myself. why did i love so much when he wasnt treasuring me. it was all a lie!!

i want to be happy. how do i do that?

still weak

ya was totally disgusted sad and frustrated that i allowed what he did to his ex to happen to me. i remember when i was witnessing it all i told myself i'll never go with him for this reason. then he "changed" and became nice till i fell.

and now looks like the end product's the same. i'm like her. another victim of my stupidity. so just now, as u can see from my previous post, was a declaration that i'm not going to let myself fall again cos its so obvious he didnt change.

then i just did something that i'm not quite sure whether was right for my feelings. cos i was so pissed i went to search for cached pages of his blog which he deleted right after we broke. my purpose was to show what a freakin liar he was. you can see it all in my old blog.

but now, i feel sad. reading those stuff's making me sad. i miss those times.

but i know i must be strong.

that's it

i see the parallel between him and her, and him and me.

he did not change like he said he would.

he became the person i was avoiding the most, before he became nice and tricked me.

tricked me with same lies and promises.

appearing nice.

but now comparing, he's back to that.

that of which i did not want.

that of which i detested.

my life is my own.

M.

her first few smiles

she started smiling like 2 days ago? such a smart baby... how can he

not want to be here? ciggs drinks and a board doesnt amount to this.

its time to be a big girl now.... and big girls don't cry...

so today, like 1 week 2 days after the big break, i finally go out willingly with a friend. took me damn long get out of the house. everyday damn depressed, no mood to do anything or go anywhere. what hurts more is that he is moving on. like fast. 3 days and he's skatin smoking drinking and oh yeah, outside my window. (the park downstairs)

imagine the hurt? its like nothing between us mattered. so easy for him to move on and do things to hurt me. like smoke? drink? promised he wouldnt.... i didnt force him to quit mind you. he said he loved me so much he would. and look.

so anyway today at like 11am made my way down to city hall. hated traveling alone. damn not used to it. to distract my mind from thinking of him, i brought my philo notes to read in the train. hated seeing couples together.... made me remember the happy times he could just throw away.

arrived early. had to wait for vivian but that's not the part that sucked. just that he and i used to go to city hall, shop, buy same band shirts to wear as couple. oh yeah i saw a couple wearing matching stuff and nearly cursed at them.

then saw vivian! that was an uplift. the gym was fun. talking while exercising, crapping around with the different machines we dint really know how to use. haha the skating one. lol.

the best was talking. thanks for helping me girl. really.

then we had lunch, and talked more... walked around awhile then she had to go.

that part sucked. cos then i had to do solo traveling again. i really miss martin taking care of me. but a bigger part of me is so damn sad that he could do all this. leave. after everything. after all our plans.

going home, i couldnt read my notes. the train was too crowded....

luckily vivian was msging me almost all the way. helped take my mind off my loneliness to an extent. loves...

think he'll ever get to his senses?

went home and saw my baby!! omg she's 2 months like ytd. and today they had a party without me okay.... :( but she's in good hands with my family. maybe i'll post some pictures later.

i'm taking baby steps.. and i feel myself getting better.

As it is

just woke time. time's like 1.52pm. i'm feeling sad.

last night i slept at 6.30. why? cos once again i was confused. after sun night's phone call when he told me everything was a lie, i thought i was stronger. until last nite when he called and said he misses me.

yeah sure i put up a front. but inside i was crying, longing for things to be back as they were. mind's telling me no. he'll do it again. heart was crying.

so since that call i've been confused. in a sad way. argh!!!! try to forget try to forget.!!!! but im sad!!! wondering if i should call!!! i know i shouldnt....

i'm so vulnerable right now.... fuck....