enlightenment?

Hey, i was just hit with realisation.

a sudden realisation, i knew it all along but never really recognised it officially. now after thinking it through, i actually see sense in it.

he didnt leave because of the quarrel we had. he left cos he didnt want to commit. "couldnt breathe" isnt just all. it wasnt a matter of whether he felt constricted, cos i always offered him free time. no. he just didnt want this. at all.

he didnt want to commit. he just used that small problem as a way out, especially by blowing it up. yes it was his way out. and thats why after that he was so keen on leaving even though i begged for him back. cos he saw it as an opportunity. he was like so close to his goal.

and to excuse himself, he says i deserve better and he dont want to make me sad. but he's just saying that for the sake of saying something.

my proof that all he actually wants is his own life? he can live normally immediately after that. and i'll bet my bottom dollar that he was enjoying every bit of it. like going to church without me, and just walking alone at tm. and after less than 3 days he jumps back to his bad habits. which is what he really wanted in the first place. and why he isnt calling or regretting? cos none of it mattered to him in the first place. he didnt want this remember? he was just waiting to fly. fly away.

he stayed because i helped him. through his problems. the only one who did. now that there's no probs, he doesnt see the need to stay. he feels burdened by the relationship and doesnt want to even commit. at all. and now that he's finally gone. i know he's happy. i can feel it.

while i'm here. alone. in problems he wont help me with. he can feel it too. but he's ignoring it.